Drum roll please!

After a lot of shit talking I finally have gotten around to posting those bathing suit pictures I eluded to in my first post. Yes, I know these pics have been sitting on my desktop for a few weeks but I had a good excuse!

Oh...you want to hear the excuse? Well, um....you see....

Ok, ok there was no excuse! I just haven't gotten around to it! So without further ado & meaningless fluff let's get onto the skin show!

For the record it's very hard for me to run to the other end of my room and pose.

And I wasn't about to take down my wonderful shoe rack behind me either!

However I suppose if you're commenting/complaining on my background then you're missing the point of this post. I haven't been in a bathing suit sans tshirt in at least 16 years. I put aside comfort and convience to hide what I should be proud of! Really swimming in a tshirt is cumbersome! Jump in a pool and you have the hem of your shirt floating right along with you, like a giant cotton jelly fish! I've said many times before that my body is just a 'meat sack' that holds in all the stuff that makes

me, me and this proves it.

I love this swimsuit! I got it from ModCloth.com after seeing it on Ms. Viola's blog! It's a Esther Williams suit and if you don't know of the fantastical Ms. Williams you can read about her here! Although I have yet to actually set a toe in any body of water, I am more than prepared to hit up a pool party! Granted I'd probably have my hair did, this means curled, shellacked & flowered and I'd ditch the flip flops to be in wedges but really, this suit demands I look fly! Like sippin' on fruity umbrella drinks and ordering around a cabana boy fly!

So there ya have it folks! Pictures as promised! I don't know why I was so apprehensive about these snap shots because I know somewhere in the mire of the interweb there are topless pictures of me. That is an entirely different blog entry that I'll save for a rainy day!

A Rose by Any Other Name....

I've known since this blog's incepetion that I would end up touching on this somewhat sensitive subject. I just haven't figured out how to package it for you to read. I'm stumped and I hardly ever it get stumped! So enough hemmin' & hawin', I'll get right to it.

I'm fat & proud!

I'm not thick, round, chubby, fluffy, stout, plump, chunky, husky, rubenesque, zaftig, squishy, puffy or a BBW! Yes, in some circles and by some people's standards I could be any one (or two) of those aforementioned words but that's not what I like to call myself. I really don't like being called a BBW. For y'all out of the loop folks it stands for Big Beautiful Woman. I'm totally not trying to look a gift horse in the mouth, I mean come on there is the word beautiful in there! BBW just feels frumpy, bulky & old maid-ish! Can't you call me a Foxy Fat Female or better yet just call me a hot chick? Honestly I'm perfectly fine with being called fat in fact I embrace it! I embrace it because I'm finally happy with myself, that my insides are as wonderful as my outsides. Sure I wish my booty meat was bigger and my feet weren't so wide but that wouldn't do a damn thing to change my personality. Yes, it would make shoe shopping easier but hey, I like a challenge!

I understand that not every fat girl wants to or feels comfy with being called fat and that's ok! Personally 10 years ago I would have cringed at trying to define my body but that was the brainwashed Ms. Sugar! But now I like to own up to what my body is and what limitations it has, these limitations just keep me out of certain brands they don't keep me from looking fly! Let it be know that this *points to self* doesn't stop me from doing a damn thing, this *points to brain* however does! So if I think, "I can't do that cuz I'm fat" or "I shouldn't wear that it makes me look big", for one thing I'm lying to myself & unless I don a burqa at midnight I'm always going to look BIG! There is a fine (or should I say fat?) line that I walk where I want to be a member of fattie society to say, "Make some space for me!" but I don't want it to define me, I don't want it to be the only thing you see when you look at me. Am I sounding too broken record-y yet? All I know today is that my fat is a part of me whether you (mainstream society/media/fashion designers) like it or not. Never again will I be shamed into thinking I'm ugly because of my fat! It's mine and I have to look at it and dress it everyday so why shouldn't I love it?

I Wanna Sex ME Up!

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I like pricks!

Since I was 10 I knew I would have a tattoo. I fell in love with ink at of all places church! There was a woman a few pews ahead of me and as I glanced at her leg I saw a dainty rose tattoo adorning her ankle. I didn't get an up close look but I didn't need one. I knew what it was and I knew one day I would have my very own! After that momentous Sunday I kept my peepers peeled for anyone sporting ink. I'd stare at the lines and shading with admiration and plain old curiosity. Questions zipped and ideas swirled in my grey matter. When would I get my first tattoo? Better yet, how do you get one? How would my parents handle it? Was it going to hurt? I was bewitched by this ancient art form and fast forward 11 years I was hooked!

I got my first tattoo at the ripe old age of 21. That's right, I know usually people turn 18 and rush out to mark themselves with their new found independence from childhood. Not this kid! I wasn't worried to much about the pain by then because I figured if it hurt that bad people would stop getting them right? I was more concerned with what I would get. I wanted something that had a deep spiritual meaning and that in 30 years I'd still want on my body and yadda yadda yadda! So after much deliberation and scouring the Japanese dictionary I went out and got the character for daughter tattooed on my right upper back. In 45 minutes it was over! I did it! I joined the ranks of modified people across the world! I felt more connected with my body and my heritage. That was the beginning of the end for me and for my bank account!

So here I am, 24 tattoos later preparing for yet another 4+ hour session tomorrow to work on my Oni 1/2 sleeve. I'm not looking forward to the hours of pain but the end result is worth it. And that folks has become my outlook on life. I know in an instant life can go from butterflies and rainbows to daggers and skulls. I've even come to expect the pain but I don't let it hinder my experience on this earth. If I didn't know I was in a valley then I most certainly would not know when I was on a mountain.

This was my the first session on my Oni

It's MY body, I'll do what I want!

I've tried hard to figure out what exactly what "message" I wanted to convey in this post. I was dizzy with going back and forth over what to discuss, dissect or debate. I was feeling the sophomore slump for serious. So instead of trying to impress with quantity I'm shooting for quality. I haven't forgotten the remark about being in a bathing suit and to prepare for the auspicious body break through, I'm going to slowly face my body hang ups. And so I present a few candid shots of my body parts that I'm trying to love more!

Testing the water here with an image I see all the time. Up until a few years ago I didn't like to wear shorts or short skirts because I thought my thighs were fat. Uh wake up call! I'm fat...so parts of my body are going to be covered in it! Also I live in a place that's hotter than fried fuck on a Friday (yes, I get wet for alliterations) so wearing next to nothing became a summer survival technique!

So here's my thigh. Sometimes when I'm bored and naked I like to smush parts of my thigh together so I can see cellulite! I do sleep better at night knowing that Kim Kardashian sweats her 'lite and I don't have any it's petty I know, but let me have my tiny victory over her!

My vital signs appear to be at normal levels so I'll continue....

Well, well it's a tummy roll! An actual part of my gut on the internet for people to see? That's right! I pinched it up, ghetto nails and all! That right there, mentally held me back. It stopped me from hitting on the cute guy at the bar or wearing a top that was a wee bit tight. I wore baggy hoodies to hide in because I mistakenly thought that extra fabric would make me invisible. What I hold between my fingers is so insignificant to my core being but yet I let it have sovereignty! My brain, soul and heart are what you should care about, don't get me wrong I'm hella pretty BUT looks & stretch marks fade, my character won't.

Ok, so I'm feeling empowered and in charge of my body. I'm about to show a part of my body that only my ex's and doctors have seen. Deep breath!

KAPOW!

How do you feel about that ladies and gentlemen? Are you running away in terror, screaming your head off at the mere sight of my fat? If you are please build a bridge and kindly get the fuck over it! What you see before you is just a meat sack that holds all my good stuff. If you let these pictures determine if I'm worthy of your time, I don't need you in my life. Please see your superficial ass to the nearest exit and don't let the door hit ya, where the good Lord split ya!

That wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be! I'm that much closer y'all to busting out in the suit! I have heels picked out for it already! I realize I'm not perfect nor do I want to be but I'm tired of feeling bad because I weigh over 200lbs. Like Cartman says, "It's my body! I'll do what I want!"

Let me explain

The Dictionary describes the word revolting like this:

revolting (adjective)

1. disgusting; repulsive

2. rebellious

Hmmm this fits my mission statement to a T! Now I'm not setting out to be deliberately disgusting but topics I'm bound to cover may make some people squirm in their seats. The rebellious thing I've been doing since the early 80's and I got that down no problem. Wait, you want more clarification on the "disgusting" before you cosign? Grab a doughnut and listen up!

I pulled a little S&S last night, that's shower & smoke. I smoke marijuana (which was legally obtained from a Medical Cannabis club via my Medical Cannabis card) and take a shower. It helps me relax and focus (sometimes unfocus) on things in my life. My hygienic respite allowed me to lazily drift onto the new chapter in self love. No, I didn't learn another way to masturbate although if any of you have any suggestions feel free to email them to me! I'm finally learning to love all the parts of me that I kept hidden in shadows. The parts that get squeezed, squashed, mashed and suffocated in my past vain attempts to fit in and be wanted. Those negative poisonous thoughts have been banished to the far reaches of my brain never to return again! Well I'm not that blissfully ignorant but it sounds good right?

A miraculous body image break though happened! Go tell it on the mountain, the bakery down the street and my gym! I've been waiting to be this in love with my body since puberty punched me in the throat and took over or maybe it was the moment I realized I wasn't ever going to be the lithe ballerina I knew I was or maybe it was when I felt like an Amazon standing next to my friends in high school. I could find a million and one moments where I felt ugly, fat (and by fat I mean fatter than I normally am) unloved, and like an outsider. But those where moments where I was brainwashed into foolishly believing that I wasn't perfect just the way I am.

So I plan on being revolting (as in gross if you're not on board with fatties) and revolting (uprising against the media's ideal of what "beauty" is)! I know I'm going to take FULL body shots of me in a bathing suit and post them here. I know I'm going to loose weight and boast about it here and on the flip side I'll more than likely gain weight and boast/gripe about it here. This is my own personal struggle and triumph of living in a image obsessed world and how I deal with it and thumb my nose at it. You're more than welcome to come along and join me!